Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Gym 101 Rules

Whether you are a religious outdoor runner despite the weather conditions or a fair weather athlete that resorts to the treadmill at the first whiff of snow or cold weather, all marathon runners are in and out of the gym during training. For me, I don't mind the "dreadmill" and with ribs that still hurt, I'm not about to try a tempo run outside in icy conditions. My run coach also has 3-4 days a week of conditioning and I rotate in swim and bike cross-training on top of my running. Like you, I'm experiencing the gym's annual "rookie season" as many with New Year's resolutions take to the gym to take the pounds off in January.

Now before you get all up in my grill, I APPLAUD all those that are taking the first step towards healthy living or better yet, those that are taking up the healthy addiction of running, but it doesn't mean that I can't share a little first time (or getting re-acquainted) etiquette of the gym. With that, the top twelve things rarely discussed but shared here as a public service on what NOT to do in the gym.

1) While the gym should be a judgement-free zone, you can start with many clothing taboo topics starting with "Jorts" (aka jean shorts.) I'm not sure who/when/where this is acceptable, but definitely not in the gym.
2) Do us all a favor and think about what you ate last night before sweating it out in the gym the next day. Yes, the gym is filled with odors, but I can barely handle smelling myself. If dinner smelled nasty the night before, it's gonna be worse pouring out your sweat glands.
3) Overuse of the word "Bro." Perhaps you've seen the Rob Lowe DirecTv commercials with the "Meathead" Rob Lowe? Yeah...you look like that douchebag when you throw around "Bro" around the gym...unless that's what you're going for...gym, tan, laundry.
4) Brown pants, black belt? Seriously...are you shopping for used books or did you get lost heading to ComicCon? You don't need to match put I'm not sure brown pants belong in the gym--especially matched up with a black belt.
5) Never utter the words, "that smells good" in the men's locker room especially when referring to a man or his cologne...especially if it's Brut cologne. (#truestory as all these are.)
6) Stay off the phone. I'm mainly referring to phone calls especially if it's your lawyer, ex-wife, or talking to your lawyer about your ex-wife. We go to the gym to escape work and stresses in life.
7) Banned list of locker room cologne. Drakkar Noir, (previously mentioned) Brut, Old Spice, and Polo. Put it on in the car. No one wants to smell anything you can buy a replica of in a gas station bathroom.
8) Keep the nipples under wraps. I'm mainly referring to men here. That muscle tank that is more like a tank "thong" is downright nasty. #tanktini I don't want to see your hairy nipples and I'm guessing most women don't either. If I want hairy nipples, I'll head to the simian section of the zoo. As far as the females, anything I'd say on this topic will just come out wrong unless you also have hairy nipples then same rule applies.
9) (Men) Avoid Rocky Balboa plain grey sweats. I'm okay with the hoodie, but head to toe grey cotton sweats leave nothing to the imagination. Not that I'm checking you out, (trust me, I'm not,) but nobody wants to see your "junk" profiled behind "hide nothing" cotton. #puptent
10) Toenails and bandaids can be removed at home. I really don't want to see you clipping your nails or step on your "skanky" used bandaids in the shower.
11) Headbands are for women only. Wear a cap if you need to unless you are planning on time-traveling to an aerobics class in 1984 with your matching leg warmers.
12) Keep your ham off the bench. This is more for you than me, but I'm not planting my skinny ass on a gym locker room bench. #youdontknowwherethatsbeen

This is clearly written from a men's perspective and many carry over to women. My boyhood fantasy of seeing the inside of a women's locker room has never been fulfilled so I don't know what goes on in there, Perhaps some of the female readers can list their locker room and gym pet peeves in the comments section below or on my Facebook page.

My daughter and wife added these bonus rules for the ladies;

1) Wear your hair up and shed the make-up. It's a workout, not a pageant.
2) If I'm wearing headphones, I don't want to talk to you. No offense.

3 comments:

  1. Good list! I'm lucky to be at a gym that doesn't experience a huge January boom but I've been there before... (and I am the product of a new years resolution to lose weight so I have high hopes for these people!)

    Another ladies one - 3. I appreciate the compliment on my hat/shoes/shirt/whatever, but wait until I'm dressed. Complimenting me WHILE I'm half naked and changing if I don't know you is creepy, especially if it's "I like your bra".

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for a glimpse into the lair that is the ladies locker room. Those are some good ones!

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  2. This gave me a big laugh. I don't go to the gym anymore. But when I used to I always squirmed when I walked into the locker room and a woman would be standing in front of the mirror, buck naked, drying her hair. Trust me when i tell you that it was never a pretty sight. Wearing makeup to workout--just say no. And guys, if you see a woman lifting the free weights, don't go over and give her instructions. Just don't. She probably knows what she's doing...not that I know anything about this...

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Average guy w/ an above average appetite for marathon racing and triathlons. Ran my 5th Boston in '15. 3:21, 1:29, 19:21 PR;full/half/5K Opinions & wit are mine