Friday, July 25, 2014

Signs You're Ready to Leave the Hospital

Top reasons you're ready to leave the hospital after an athletic injury. Day seven from Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs after crashing on the bike course of a triathlon one week earlier (sustaining four broken ribs, collapsed lung, and lacerated elbow.)

1) The sexy nurse bath never happens. It's a myth.
2) You memorized which channel ESPN is on...and AMC...and all the other channels.
3) You have the dream where you're really thirsty and finally find some water yet can't drink enough to satiate you. You're working so hard, that you work up a sweat. You finally wake up and you're drenched in sweat. You then realize, it's not sweat.
4) No conjugal visits.
5) You entered on a weekend and entering your second weekend. Two too many weekends spent in the hospital.
6) You know where the best power outlets are and in fact have your own power strip.
7) You have seen all three Jurassic Park movies and regret watching the 2nd and 3rd one.
8) Pat Bowlen (owner of the Broncos) retires while you're in the hospital.
9) You know you can't run, bike, or swim yet, but you might be able to clock a mile or two walking the neighborhood.
10) The sooner you're out, the sooner you can start rehab and get back to the thing that got you here in the first place.

Footnote: I lied on number one. I gave myself a sexy bath and my wife gave me one even better. 

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Average guy w/ an above average appetite for marathon racing and triathlons. Ran my 5th Boston in '15. 3:21, 1:29, 19:21 PR;full/half/5K Opinions & wit are mine